Daydreams, smiles, and secrets
by Stripes93
Summary: Italy's smile hides a deep secret he's never told. He begins to space out then he's back to that time, back to when his daydreams first began, back to when he first held that secret that only he will ever know...-dubcon-


I sit there and I stare off into space. I do it so much no one even bothers to notice. My face is blank, my eyes are dark, and my fingers curl so slightly as the thoughts I keep hidden begin to take shape. The sounds around me mold into one and I'm no longer here in the conference room, with everyone shouting above each other, trying to gain the floor. I'm somewhere else far away, some place I try never to think of but I return to every time.

I'm small again and still living with Mr. Austria. Holy Rome is gone and I can't concentrate on my house work like I should. I drop things constantly and find myself cleaning the same spot on the floor for twenty minutes. I miss him. I cry and Miss Hungary will hold me and tell me he'll be back. He'll be okay and we'll all be a family again. I want to be believe her I really do, but from the way Mr. Austria acts I think she might be lying.

Mr. Austria is distant. He doesn't do much but play his piano. He rarely talks and doesn't bother to tell me what to do except to get water for his bath or help Miss Hungary make dinner. I asked Miss Hungary what was wrong with him and she just said he wasn't feeling well. I wanted to help Mr. Austria feel better so one night before we had went to sleep, I knocked on his door.

"Come in," He called. I walked in and found in him his sleeping gown, preparing for bed. "What is it, Italy?" He said, removing his glasses.

"I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Austria but...Miss Hungary said you weren't feeling well lately and I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to make you feel better." I said, folding my hands in front of me. He sat on the bed and looked at me, cocking his head to the side. The look he gave me...it scared me. His face didn't change just his eyes. They hardened before he patted his thigh.

"Come here," He ordered. I walked forward, crinkling my apron nervously. I didn't know why I should be nervous though. Mr. Austria was very nice-except when he stepped on me, but he hadn't done that in a long time. "You want to make me feel better?" He questioned.

"Uh, yes sir." I replied, nodding my head.

"Mm," He mumbled, pursing his lips momentarily before finally he pulled his gown up and pulled his underwear down. I took a step back and stared at his manhood. It was partially erect and growing. "If you want to make me feel better then put your lips here and suck." He said.

"I-i..." I didn't know what to say. No one had ever asked me to do something like that before but I didn't want to disobey his orders.

"Do it," He growled, narrowing his eyes dangerously.

"Y-yes, sir." I stuttered, licking my lips which suddenly felt very dry.

Coming closer, I placed my hands on both of his thighs and leaned in. He smelled musky and I was almost afraid to put it in my mouth. "Well? What are you waiting for?" His voice broke through my thoughts and I licked my lips once again before slowly placing my mouth on the tip. Mr. Austria made a noise low in his throat and I pulled back, staring at him with large eyes. Had I hurt him?

"A-are you okay, Mr. Austria?" I asked.

"I'm fine. Continue," He said, his eyes beginning to glaze over. Repeating the action again, I ignored the strange sounds coming from the older man and began to suck like he had ordered. It tasted strange and I didn't like it. Closing my eyes, I tried to pretend I was doing something else. Eating...eating pasta. I was slurping a noodle that didn't want to disconnect itself from the plate. I sucked as hard as I could, even bobbing my head and scrapped at it with my teeth but I could never swallow it.

This pasta...it had a strange taste. And it was dripping, dripping sauce that tasted kind of salty. I would have to show who ever made this pasta to make it correctly next time. That way next time they would cut the noodles correctly and put the right amount of salt in it. But for now, I would eat this because I haven't had pasta in a long time. Mr. Austria didn't have pasta at his house. Mr. Austria...

And suddenly I was back in his room, with him thrusting into my mouth, choking me with his penis while he came, warm white seed spraying into my mouth and on my face as I pulled back. I wiped my mouth and stared at Mr. Austria while he panted and wiped off his thighs with his sleeping gown. I waited for him to calm down, wiping at my face with my apron to clean myself off.

"Italy," He said to me, pulling his underwear back up and allowed his gown to cover his legs. "You will tell no one of what you did tonight. Understand me?" He said strictly.

"Y-yes, Mr. Austria." I replied, watching him close his eyes and sigh, a corner of his lip quirking. Had I...had I made him feel better?

"Clean yourself up then go to bed now." He then told me, laying down.

"Yes, sir. Good night." I bowed my head and walked out the room, shutting the door after me. That night I washed up, crawled into bed, closed my eyes, and slept. I don't know what I dreamed about that night but I know for the next few weeks I continued to return to Mr. Austria's room and continued my service to him. Each night my fantasy's would get longer and more elaborate, to the point where as soon as I stepped into his room I was in a different world. It was no longer me and Mr. Austria; it was me eating pasta, me drawing a pretty picture, me and Miss Hungary trying on her clothes, and anything else I could image to help me get through this ordeal.

After three months, it finally stopped. Mr. Austria said I had done good and told me I didn't have to do it anymore. He never told me I couldn't tell anyone any more but I knew I shouldn't. After keeping it a secret for so long, I no longer had to try not to say anything. It came naturally.

"What's wrong, Italy?" Miss Hungary would said when I wouldn't pay attention.

"Oh, nothing, Miss Hungary. I was day dreaming of making a pretty picture for you." I would say, smiling happily to her and she would smile back and we would continue to make dinner with no interruptions.

And then I was back to the meeting room, being smacked in the back of the head. "Hey, idiot. Stop spacing out so much. We're leaving." Romano says, taping his foot impatiently.

"Sorry, Romano!" I say, standing up and put my coat on, trying to let all the memories and thoughts from my head disappear.

"What do you fucking think about for so long?" He asks me and the only indication that my thoughts have disturbed me is a twitch of my finger before I smile like always.

"Nothing. Just what I'm going to make for dinner." I reply and he rolls his eyes.

"Only you could think of food for an hour." He mutters, walking in front of me, never taking notice that my smile slips from my face when he's not looking.

This isn't just a secret I keep because I want no one to find out. Not because I was told not to. No, it's because...I'm so used to it. Even if I wanted to tell someone-and I've tried-my tongue fails me and I stay quiet. '_No one needs to know what you did_,' This voice whispers in the back of my head and I stick my hands in my pockets and keep my head down. '_No one needs to know what dirty thing you did. No one needs to know that you never struggled. He never forced himself upon you. You could have ran out the room and ran to Miss Hungary but you didn't. You stayed. And for that...it's your fault why you feel guilty_._ Not his, yours_.'

And I believe it is my fault why I feel like this. Why my mind constantly takes me back to those few months where I hadn't struggled and I hadn't ran. Where I hadn't said 'no'. I accepted what happened with out question. '_And for that you fell like a dirty little slut_.' I wrap my arms around myself and bit my lip. It was true. I feel dirty, unpure. I'm still a virgin and I want to keep it that way. I can't imagine myself having sex...because when I do all I see is myself sucking off Mr. Austria and I think no one would want that. So I keep my mouth shut and I smile, because when I'm smiling it almost seems like my daydreams are just that...daydreams.

"Hey, idiot. Keep up." Romano called, looking behind him to frown at me.

"Sorry, Romano!" I call back, smiling and ran to wrap myself around his arm. His frown deepens but I know he's thankful for the warmth since it's kind of cold and I smile at him. I smile because he doesn't know and he'll never know and for that I'm grateful. He can't ask what's wrong and I smile more.

What would he think if he knew what his little brother had done when he was younger? Romano may curse harshly and have a tendency to get mean but he was home to the Vatican and a more die-hard Catholic than I was. If he were to ever find out what I did he would desert me. He would tell me I had sinned before leaving me alone. And...I don't want him to leave. I need him around. He keeps me grounded. When I start to daydream he brings me to earth so I don't get too far gone. And again, I'm grateful.

I smile again, holding onto my anchor and push everything I had been thinking of to the back of my mind. I know it'll be back again, ready to rear its ugly head when I least expect it, but...for now, it'll disappear. My little secret that even I forget about at times except when I get that weird taste in my mouth and I start to zone out. Then it starts all over again...a never ending cycle of daydreams, memories, and crashing back to earth before I lose myself in my mind.

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><p><em>AN: This is sort of a harsh subject for me to write about but it comes really easily to my finger tips. But, I have a question for you people. Have you ever had a secret you've kept so long for what ever reason that when you feel like you want to tell someone you can't? You just physically can't no matter how hard you try? Think about it and you just might find you do. Ciao~Love Stripes_


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